“You know that’s not gonna happen for a really long time…”
Sadly, I know my
best friend is right! And you know what they say, the truth hurts sometimes. Bless your heart for putting up with my barely-7-am- venting session, girl! Can’t thank you enough!
Woke up this morning with a question hanging, weighing on my mind making these shoulders dropped again. Maybe it was the bad horrible dream I had or maybe it was a short email I received today or purely PMS trolls. Who knows!
How to trust again?
After the hell I’ve been through – and still going through – the uphill battle to finally accept that what happened was meant to be, still leaving me with baggage need to be sorted out. One of that block is how to trust again or at least how do you re-learn to trust again? To open up and be vulnerable again?
How do you stop the deja vu of your past to haunt you in your new, current and fresh start?
Funny, how some words or places are capable to transport you back in the same spot you were before. That happened to me today…two insignificant words for others but meant nothing but horror painful memories dark enough to got me all teary eyed again and made me wants to crawl back in my cave of solitude.
Without even realizing, I am building my wall higher…too scared to let anybody in. Why? Because I don’t know how the hell am I gonna trust again! That’s why…and it’s sad to be robbed like this from your ability to trust, to have faith that not everyone is going to end up like your ex.
Last year I read that trust is like a delicate vase – an expensive China if you will. Once it is broken, you can glue them back together but the traces…the thin lines that show it was once broken would still be there.
Is that true?
On Taking Chances
My heart is at war with my head right now and it’s driving me insane. Insane enough to post this desperate dark post.
Thank God for the sanity voices manifesting through my best friend who I can’t thank enough for putting up with my daily rantings, my vents…my “What did I do to deserve this?” type of questions. Who reminded me to watch my steps because she had seen my mending heart being ripped again when I did take that chance. Who tried her best to reassured me that I deserve to be with someone who can love me with honesty and commitment.
I thought I was mentally ready…to put myself back out there. To date, to have fun but I wasn’t ready to get disappointed again which of course with taking chances would bound to come with the territory…the unknown. A new territory that seems promising yet too scary.
So I stopped, I took some rest and busting these inner demons trying to cast them away. Trying to pull my baggage out and sort them out. A painful task I might add but for me to stop stumbling from leaving it out laying on the ground, I must.clean.up! There are still untangling the mess that I need to iron out and it will take times but dammit, I want to live again…to move on!
Then why the hell did I freaked out now? When a chance came knocking on my door? When did I think I’m supposed to be unpacking my suitcases of nightmares? When I’m getting used to being alone.
The knocking gets louder and louder by the day. The pleading to let me unlock my heart and taking a chance gets intense causing my brain and my feelings arguing against one another. Bitching like two old wives. “He might be a good guy who meant what he said…you’ll never know!” versus “Oh, he’s just like the rest of them…a player! You just wait and see, lady!”
Oh, the noise can get pretty darn loud in my head – and that’s why I’m typing this at almost 11:30 tonight, way past my bedtime.
Do I dare to take that chance?
So many questions…so little answers in sight. Maybe I’ll just continue sorting my baggage out as I do not expect anyone to pick them up and carry them for me. I’m a big girl who needs a man to take my hands, not my baggage! Maybe only time will tell which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.
I read this quote today and oh how true!
“Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.” – Jean Kerr
9 thoughts on “How To Trust Again?”
Really emotional writing and I hope you find it somewhat therapeutic. As someone who has had his heart broken before (who hasn’t, right?), I know one of the greatest gifts God has given me to learn to trust is my daughters. You may not be ready to trust a “man” yet, but you’re opening yourself up to your little man every single day by being the mom he needs you to be. Maybe you’ll find that as I did, these little ones have a lot to teach us about life and unconditional love.
Hey Pop! How are you? Hope all is well for you and your family 🙂
Thanks Pop…it is therapeutic…this thought was bugging me all day and you are right…if one thing we can trust are our children…these little angels sent from heaven. I can honestly vouch that my Little Man taught me what unconditional love really is. The neck tight squeezing hugs are just what my soul needed and he gives it freely without any expectations. The unexpected “I love you, Mommy” is really what gets me through each and every day. Thanks for reminding me of that, Pop! Really appreciate it. Guess it’s just one of those bluer than blue night for me. Take care and God bless you and your lovely family!
It’s amazing, but it’s like my kids KNOW when I’m having a terrible day and know just the write words or hug to make it all better. Granted, they also know how to make a terrible day even worse 😛 but mercifully that’s not the majority. All I know is, keep doing what you’re doing of being a great mom, employee, etc…and someone who deserves you and little man in his life will come along.
Aww Pop…you’re making me all choked up. Thank you, my friend! Thank you so much.
Girl, I am so sorry that you are going through this! I have gone through a terrible divorce too, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. But if it encourages you at all, I believe you WILL learn to trust again. And your life can be better than you ever imagined possible – even before your divorce! Five years later, I can now say that my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. It enabled me to meet and marry my true soul mate. It gave me the opportunity to travel and have more children. It has led to everything that I love about my current life. So hang in there! Have faith that God has a good plan for your life! And don’t feel bad about having emotional ups and downs along the way – they’re totally normal. Wishing you a very happy ending…
Hi Kate, thank you for sharing what you went through. It really gives me hopes that things does get better in time. Thanks so much, Kate! Big hugs your way.
Agree to what Pop & Kate Hayes said.. also dont force yourself to do that, let the trust happens naturally & only time (and God of course) will lead you to that… And when you find the right one, you’ll know it and based on my experience, my daughter “helped” me alot in that process 🙂
My lovely friend. I would tell you that it gets better, but the Mack truck has to follow it’s route first…and that can take a while. I am so sorry you are going through this–it is not something I would wish on anyone. Just be you—and remember to take care of you. the rest will come. xoxox
Oh yes I hear you… And I hope you do in time get your ability to trust back. I’m sure not ready to get too involved with anyone else for a while yet and it’s been over three years. Hanging out with others, having fun, and watching other couples who are good for each other starts making some inroads in the fear though. Plus my daughter!! 🙂