I recognized that look. The agonizing pain in his eyes. I’ve seen it before.
I first saw that look over five years ago.
We were not returning to the apartment when I told him we would be staying at his grandparents’ house.
The same look he showed me three years ago during his kindergarten graduation day.
When he cried because he wanted Mommy and Daddy to come home together.
He had that look yesterday.
How he tried to hide his tears but failed to do so.
He buried his head in the pillow, not wanting to show me.
Yet every inch of me feels his pain. Every cell in my body screams to protect him. To seal him from disappointment and heartache. My heart cracked wide open, feeling so helpless.
But all I could do was hold him close.
All I could do was tell him I love him and keep encouraging him to make contacts.
And he shuts down…not knowing how to express his feelings.
So I probe a little deeper.
“Are you angry?”
He only shook his head.
“Are you sad?” I wanted him to be more comfortable using his words to express his feelings.
“Yes, I’m sad….”
“It’s been months, Mommy…” he whispered.
“I know it has been a long time, right?” Running my fingers through his thick hair, my heart is weeping for this sweet boy of mine. “Then message Daddy…you can ask him too.”
“He is busy…”
“Maybe he is busy, but he can reply to your message when he can.”
His father moved out of the country earlier this year to Cambodia, and I keep trying to bridge them to communicate. Sometimes it feels like I am stretching it too far…I don’t want him to feel like his father has forgotten him. I only wish they could have a great relationship together. I understand his father has a lot on his plate, but his almost nine years old son needs to connect with his Dad.
I wish I could fix things for my son, but I can’t…I can only give him the love and support he needs as he tries to understand the different dynamics in his life. By acknowledging his feelings, making him feel secure in letting us see how much he misses his father, and reassuring him that all of we love him. These are all the things that I could do, albeit those that are beyond my control…at least I can do that.
Has motherhood ever left you feeling helpless?
I’m linking up with my favorite Australian blogger MacKenzie from Reflections from Me.