On Loneliness

‘Tis the season to be merry…

Not Lonely

Yet here I am, typing this with loneliness about to leak from the rim of my sanity.

Just when I thought I’ve already had so much to juggle, such a busy life as a single mom I can’t seem to shake these feelings off. Yes, I am surrounded with my big crazy loving family layered with lots of awesome friends – which I am so thankful for but there’s a suppressed feeling of loneliness that I’ve been shoving aside for ages.

And when it leaks, I am a hot mess!

After rebuilding my life all over again, I’ve been trying so damn hard to stay strong and independent, trying to create positive focuses in my life to lift the spirit. Infidelities really did some damage on my part that honestly, I’m still working on.

So yes, I feel loneliness chewing me inside.

Why Not Dating Again?

You’re still young…there’s still plenty of chances out there for you. Plenty of fish in the sea!” one dear friend encouraged me when I lamented about my bleak dating history.

Plenty of fish in the sea alright! But not in this part of the sea.


Maybe because I am not like everyone else…well I know I’m not like everyone else but if you should ask me my ‘man-wish-list’ then without being racist or anything I would put Caucasian on my list.  For the past 14 years, I haven’t dated any Asian men. I did date Indonesian guys before but it didn’t work out, obviously.  Growing up surrounded by Caucasians and from liberal parents also being in the States for awhile, I think I’m more attracted to those who are open-minded, self-sufficient man who can appreciate an opinionated woman without fears of me stepping on their ego.  Maybe if I meet an Indonesian guy with these traits or have the same experience we’ll be compatible but I haven’t met one so far. Hmm…I see a future post discussing more why – maybe one day I will.

Young, nice bloke in Jakarta is a rare breed.

See now why it’s so difficult for me to date here?

Online dating? Meh! I tried that. Doesn’t work for me. I tried one dating service once and guess what all my ‘matches’ are not located anywhere near Jakarta.

I had unfortunately turned into a skeptic when it comes to a long-distance relationship.

Fighting It No More

After my last date – which dated back to six months ago, I decided to step back from the dating world. It’s really exhausting and I feel like my dating skills are rusting. From the ‘why didn’t he call?’ to the many other questions that left me felt too tired to play the field.

Yet at these times of the year when happy faces of whole families being plastered from Christmas cards to Christmasy ads, I can’t restrain these feelings.

I miss being with someone who can see me way past my boobs size. Seriously, I guess I just miss the companionship of being in a relationship. That’s all and especially around the holidays times.

And I have come to a conclusion that it’s OK to feel this way. That it’s normal. That it just means I’m only human. I just can’t let this loneliness drag me down deeper than it already is. That I should instead enjoy the freedom of being single and continue working on myself first and foremost.

Even when I know I’m not ready for anything serious right now it wouldn’t hurt to have someone to hold my hand other than my 5 years old.

Are you a single mom? How do you deal with loneliness especially around Holidays?

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16 thoughts on “On Loneliness

  1. Kirsten Doyle Reply

    This is such a poignant, honest and brave post. I have a world of respect for single parents, who have to work really hard to move on with their own lives while raising their kids without the support of a spouse. There are many things I could say to you. I could throw out the old cliches about fish in the sea, or things happening when you least expect them to. But those things all sound like meaningless platitudes. Instead I will say this: love yourself, and be kind to yourself. Look in the mirror and know that you are an amazing person.
    I am so sorry that you feel lonely. I am reaching out across the sea to give you a hug.

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      Kirsten, it wasn’t easy to admit that yes I am lonely. Made me feel so vulnerable but I had accepted that it’s normal to feel once in awhile. I read this today after I posted: “The ugly truth is that loneliness is an inescapable part of the human condition. You can decide how big a role you’re willing to let loneliness play in your life. You can refuse to let it dominate your existence ”

      Thank you for your very uplifting words and the hug. It really means a lot.

  2. eryka Reply

    Yes I’m single mom, never been dating for almost 1 year, live far away from my daughter, loneliness kills me sometimes, but for me the only thing I need is just to be grateful, things happen for a reason, we don’t have partner not being in relationship, so someday when we found our partner we know how to embrace the moment, and for me I take the positive side darl, being single is fun, no need to report to anybody u can go anywhere u want, u can decide whatever u wanna do, ur the decision maker, ur the CEO of ur life.. For this holiday season, I spend time with my friends or my daughter, when I’m alone in my room, I just need to enjoy my loneliness while I can ☺ so no worries darl, we are lucky surrounded by lovely fam and friends 😉

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      You are one strong mama, Eryka. To live away from your gorgeous little girl must be so hard but you are doing what you suppose to be doing to provide her with a better future. Thank you for opening up. Love it, the CEO of our own lives!

  3. Bicultural Mama Reply

    I love your honesty, and you’re right, it is only human to feel loneliness. To your point, you want companionship (not a guy who is a player). If you were in the States it may be easier regarding the type of guy you like, but of course you’re not. You’ll have to find an ex-pat out there who hopefully will not be a player!

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      Maria, thank you my friend. It’s a bit scary to admit that hey I don’t date Asian men because some may judge me for ‘oh-she-thinks-she’s-better-than-her-own-people’ stereotype. It’s hard to explain really without sounding shallow that’s why I hesitate in explaining it deeper. For now I think my focus should be in working from the inside out, mentally the post-trauma of infidelities still haunts me and I still have to beat that demon and it’s a work in progress.

      • Bicultural Mama Reply

        I’ve never had an Asian boyfriend, either, and some people do judge. But others aren’t living your life so they shouldn’t be choosing who you want to date.

  4. Alexandra Reply

    Oh, I don’t know what to tell you, other than you are a very, very special woman.

    Don’t give yourself away easily: you are a prize, a gift, to any man’s life.

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      And this is why I love you Alexandra. Your words always feel like a fresh morning dew for the soul. Thank you so very much!

  5. Jessica Reply

    This is a very brave and honest post. I think it is normal to feel lonely. Whether single or not, I believe that many are lonely during the holiday season, wanting something more.

    I think your approach to this right. Enjoy the time that you have now, the time with your son and the time spent doing the things that make you most happy. And, when the time is right, you’ll find the special someone who will be your perfect match.

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      Thank you so much Jessica. I know that even when you’re married some can feel lonely too. I’ve been there before when I was still married. So yes, it is a human nature. What matter most is how we manage them I guess and not letting it drag us down and I’m working on that.

  6. Rachel Reply

    Maureen, I’m single too for such a long time. I feel lonely sometimes, but I think that everything happens for a reason, and in the end God will give us what is best for us. Hugs!

  7. Nami Reply

    There are some of us with partners, who still feel lonely around this season – it’s all about yearning. Even with my crazy boys, rebel husband and eccentric mom, I just can’t help but miss my late sister and now my dad. And speaking of which, my dad always used to say about dating, “Just consider it ‘research’.”

  8. John Reply

    What a raw, open, brave and honest post again. I’m sure you’re perfectly normal feeling lonely, especially at this time of year. I totally empathise wiith you. I’m not at all sure what the best way to deal with these things is. To be honest, as far as I’m concerned, although there is loneliness, I’m not at all sure I’d want t be involved with anyone for quite a bit longer yet. There have been a coupe of times when there might have been the possibility of getting closer to someone, but the thought of getting TOO intimate with someone is still terrifying. So, I think for myself I have to lose my fear first, or at least bring it under much tighter control. I’m pretty sure time does and will heal though. Yes, it is kinda lonely sometimes, but maybe that’s just part of the long-term healing process.Merry Christmas to you and all your nearest and dearest, Maureen, and have a happy healing New Year.

  9. BLOGitse Reply

    Oh boy…You should come to Finland. Our men are honest and most of them help you at home. Finnish men respect women and we are equal.
    Next time you plan a holiday come here!
    Merry xmas!

  10. susan Reply

    yes a brave and honest post and I think probably reflects what many of us think but do not articulate. pretty much everything I have been to over this Christmas season has been couples. couples whom i love, and respect, but boy oh boy do i tire of being the odd one out. And the evenings are loooong alone. I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and it’s still lonely as we negotiate a new way of being….still not joint outings (but that’s another story…) and so yes. still lonely.:(

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