It happened last week…
I rummaged through the shelf behind my computer desk, aka office space, and saw that little black box. Dusty and all.
I had forgotten entirely about this black box.
Until I plugged in the cables and connected it to my laptop.
There they are… the history of my past life staring back at me, hidden from folder after folder. Something I haven’t seen in ages.
“Am I ready?” my brain whispered.
“Yes…yes, I am!” my heart snapped impatiently.
My finger clicked on that folder that says “Old PC Files,” bursting out picture after picture of me and Mr. X way before the Boy was born. The dates with my family, the simple wedding in Upstate NY, the gatherings with other Indonesian people in Upstate NY, the dog, the first snow, down to the first cookie I had ever baked…everything that was part of my past laid out on my screen. Some of them went back as far as eight years ago.
Funny enough, I don’t feel much. Yes, those pictures screamed about the love Mr. X and I used to have, but that chapter has ended, and I’ve come to accept it without a qualm.
My mouse hovers over that folder “Alexander”…
The first two years of my boy’s life flashed right before my eyes.
From pregnancy pictures…you know the famous belly shots from weeks to weeks? I had tons of them in his first pictures post my emergency c-section. It was all there.
It wasn’t until I started going through the videos that the waterworks started.
Going through those videos, seeing how much my tiny baby grew just got to me in a way I can’t even describe. He was such a tiny baby, being born five weeks early. Some videos made me laugh, and I got a severe baby fever. How can you resist this face?
Seeing how his father always made him coo, smile and laugh from he was a baby got me choked up. There are so many videos of them together.
Bittersweet feelings came crashing over me, and I swallowed hard. We were a happy family once, and these videos proved that.
He’s a good Daddy, I have to give him that credit, and that’s why the Boy adored him wholeheartedly.
The next day, I told Mr. X I found Boy’s baby videos.
“Can you copy them for me?” he messaged me back.
Then I did something that may be stupid, but before I knew it, I had sent this message “Can I ask you something?”
After reading his OK, the words “Did I ever make you happy back then?” was sent his way. Maybe I should’ve kicked myself in the butt for asking such a question to him.
“Yes, you did…the problem was you weren’t happy.”
And to that, I admitted I wasn’t happy but didn’t know what was wrong, but I told him I am now a much happier person.
“I know you are happy now.” He said. “If only you had found that happiness before, things might have been different.”
WOA, wait, what???? I felt like saying woah, timeout, dude! Say what???
Of course, he knew I was happier now. I look way better than I’ve ever been, and mentally I’m far more comfortable than ever. And I knew he was staring at me when he came to pick the Boy up after three weeks of not seeing his son.
Then it hits me.
It doesn’t matter anymore. Yes, we were once a happy family, but that’s long gone, and he and I have chosen our ways to find that happiness. What connected us forever is this Boy. That is all. Do I still love him? No, not anymore, but I do care for him enough because he is my boy’s father. I pray for his well-being because my son needs him. He and I had come a long way to reach this level of being able to crack jokes and talk without me feeling like I wanted to punch him.
These videos show he is a good father…the father of my son. No woman can erase that from my son’s life. Divorce can’t wipe away their bond, which is why I was adamant about co-parenting.
These old videos witness the good times he and I shared with our son. Yes, it wasn’t easy watching them, but it shows me that even after divorce, life goes on…one thing remains. We love the little man born out of that short-lived marriage.