Last week was rough.
Partially I’m blaming aunt-you-know-who to bring all these emotional trolls came crawling out of my brain.
I was sullen and my moods were ugly.
Dealing with a Kindergarten boy who is NOT a morning person is not easy – to put it mildly. It’s a daily battle to get him up and ready for school every day. When I’m working I was ‘spared’ from this tug of war as I leave the house very early. My patience is being tested daily! He is just not a morning person and I know it.
Until a few days ago when the boy got home from school, tired and wanted to go to bed and lay down. He said something that felt like a kick.
“Mbak is Mommy. I want Mbak! I don’t love Mommy!”
Ouchy!
I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me but it did. I refused to let the nanny took over and stood my ground. Meaning I proceeded upstairs with him despite his protests and told him “Even if you don’t love Mommy right now, Mommy loves you more than anyone else.”
He eventually said “I’m sorry, Mommy. I love you” and gave me the biggest hugs his body can master. It healed my heart instantly!
But it left me wondering, doubting…it brought me to tears.
Yes, I am not the perfect mother. For almost a year now since I’ve been back to the corporate world, I work long hours but secretly I am happy albeit the famous-working-mom-guilt’s! Being productive outside the house makes me feels good inside.
Yes, I am the strict mom. I put him on timeouts. I yelled – a little too much sometimes and I don’t let him get away with things as much as his spoiling grandmother does. Maybe in his eyes, I’m not a fun Mommy, I’m the stern Mommy. He has more fun when he’s with Daddy.
Yes, I am not those moms who packed him bento boxes snacks/lunch nor do I bake the perfect cute cupcakes but I do try to help him with his homework and read to him every day and we still have our bedtime ritual. Just us two.
But I still feel crappy inside…
These thoughts were chewing me inside. He loves having his Mommy home and even said “I want Mommy here when I wake up in the mornings” and by God, it feels so damn good to wake up with him in the mornings and have him threw his arms around me and cuddle closer. Going back to work would be hard for both of us.
The guilt transcended deeper than this silly jealousy of his Nanny. I realized I still blamed myself for ending my marriage and split the perfect little world as he knew it and in trying so hard to patch things up, to rebuild a life for ourselves I always felt like I fall short. That I am not good enough mother for him.
Until I saw my boy cuddling up to one of his uncles the other day…
It hits me that I may not be the perfect Mommy but this boy is surrounded by love. His uncles adore and love him tremendously. They give him the much needed roughhousing, the male bonding stuff. His grandparents love him to pieces – ok maybe grandma dotted on him too much – we’re still trying to strike a balance here. His Nanny loves him and takes good care of him. His father is in his life and loves him just as much.
I am his mother…with all my flawlessness. I am good enough mother who will fight for him and break my back to give him the good life that he deserves to have. It may not be the fancy life lane that we are both living on but we have enough. He doesn’t have to go to bed on an empty stomach and he has clothes on his back – it may not be the expensively branded stuff – but we are living enough. One day I hope he can look at his mommy and be proud of all the things she’s trying to do to be good enough and realized that we are good enough.
This post is inspired by Just Be Enough. Seriously, JBE is a truly amazing, inspiring place. My Mondays have never been better thanks to JBE!
you are enough, you are doing the best you can every day for him, and you are ensuring that he is surrounded by love and support. it’s hard, Im embarking on my own co-parenting journey in the next few weeks (temp custody hearing is this week, we cant agree on custody ourselves. I could rant about that for days on end). I want you to know I support you, and believe in you. Be gentle with yourself, like you are in this post, and do your best to free yourself from the guilt. He loves you very very much, and you are doing great. YOU are enough, just the way you are.
Thank you, dear you! I am working on letting go of the guilt, not easy as I can be so hard on myself but I am learning to. Best of luck to your temp custody hearing and I hope everything will works out fine for you. If not then it’s not the end.
This is such a touching post. My first intro to you, and I’m teary! {In the best possible way!}
Awww thanks Galit. Your post is so beautiful I can only wish to have half of your talent 🙂
Amazing – you are amazing – and your son will see that one day. You are teaching him about responsibility, passion, a strong work ethic, personal growth and priorities. He is loved and surrounded by a secure environment because of all the wonderful people and things you have placed in his life. You are way more than enough and should applaud yourself for such a great job.
Thank you so much Emily. It is my hope that he will grow up to be all that you graciously mentioned.
Thank you for the wonderful comment on my blog about my daughter’s homework. I can imagine that with being a newly single mom, there are lots of challenges and times it hurts your heart, but remind yourself that he would say he wanted someone other than you when he was mad, regardless of your family dynamic. My 4 year old does it all the time. If she is mad at me, she wants daddy, if she is mad at daddy she wants me. One day she was mad at both of us and wanted the neighbor…
Charity thank you so much. That’s so funny she wanted the neighbor hahaha. My boy sometimes said “I don’t want to go to Daddy’s house” when it’s his weekend with his Dad but I make him go anyway and while he’s there he doesn’t even want to talk to me on the phone because he’s having so much fun LOL. Kids! Thank you for sharing your own experience 🙂
Kids really know how to make you melt or make you feel miserable – that’s why they’re kids. At the end of the day he knows that his home and heart are with mommy. Daddy may be more “fun” but he knows the person who he can depend on day after day and feel secure with is mommy. You do the best you can. As for the nanny, I’ve had those moments, too, when my daughter would listen to the nanny but ignore me when I say the same thing. It’s hard, but kids are like that because they know you are their mom. Love your posts, as always…
Very true, Maria. Strange sometimes to think how our kids can be both the source of our joys and our pains – in a good way. Thank you so much I think you are right, our kids can totally be themselves and voice their feelings, albeit toddlers are still trying hard to articulate their feelings but they had these moments only with mommy because maybe they know we are the ones that accept them for what they really are. Tantrums and all. You are a sweetheart! Thanks again, Maria!
I remember telling my mother, as a 6yr old, that I did not like her and she took that to heart as well. But when you’re that young, love is still a fuzzy concept. It’s about getting treats and stuff like that. Your son will grow up and see the depth of the love and sacrifice you have made as a mother. You are more than enough, lady. Years later, I look back and the love for my mother is immeasurable. She was more than enough. She was and is my everything! Chin up!
Thank you Trinista for sharing your own experience as a child. It surely gives me a different perspective. There is hope! Thank you so much!
As the single mother of kids 25, 13, and 11, I can tell you boys are tough. They are also terrific. Hang tough, do the best you can and then don’t beat yourself up.
Thank you Bridget, I sure hope so. My boy is amazing really he’s a good happy goofy boy so I must’ve done something right along the way. 🙂
I was so touched by your post. I don’t have children of my own, but I do co-parent my niece since we lost my sister to depression and suicide. I can only imagine how hard it must be to balance all that you do. You are enough and he will appreciate all that you do once he is old enough to understand. My niece (age 16) gave me the best complement the other day. She told me that I’m her hero and that I inspire her. It was the best feeling in the world. Your post has inspired me. Thank you.
He is happy, healthy and loved, I think you’re definitely a good enough mother. 🙂
None of us are perfect moms. But we are enough for our children and we can strive to make the most out of each day.
Wow, I can relate to this. I feel like a terrible mother sometimes for losing my cool and yelling, but my kids love me and they are happy, what other proof do I need?
None of us is perfect. I’m so glad you can see that – sometimes it’s hard! It sounds like he has a lot of love, and that’s such an amazing thing!
Thanks for linking up with us at JBE!
I’m so glad you wrote about this! And what a great piece!
I love that final photo; the one of you and him.
Mornings are hard no matter how old you are. Good Luck
This was a post that I just couldn’t put down. Because it is so hard when our children say things like “I don’t love you.” We as parents know that its not true… but it still can get to us (at least it does to me). I recently started working more too. And I have a sitter 3 days a week. And One of those days I leave at 8:30 a.m. and don’t get home until 8:30 a.m. And its hard not to have guilt. But overall – I’m happy. I’m happy about my decision to start working more. I’m more fulfilled. And happy. And I value my time with my kids so much more now then I used to when I was home with them more often. Great, great post!
we can’t win…i have recently taken on another contract which has significantly increased my working hours. I am there every morning and almost every afternoon after school but still i see the difference in my kids who already feel they are having to compete for my time.
like most things in life though, I figure it’s about feeling an over-riding sense of calm about the decisions we make – even if the outcomes might be, in the short term anyway, somewhat tumultuous. I am working for the money, for the job satsifaction and for my own sanity. All of which will benefit my children.
p.s. love the photo of the boy and the uncles. such delight on all faces!