Last week was rough.
Partially I’m blaming aunt-you-know-who to bring all these emotional trolls came crawling out of my brain.
I was sullen and my moods were ugly.
Dealing with a Kindergarten boy who is NOT a morning person is not easy – to put it mildly. It’s a daily battle to get him up and ready for school every day. When I’m working I was ‘spared’ from this tug of war as I leave the house very early. My patience is being tested daily! He is just not a morning person and I know it.
Until a few days ago when the boy got home from school, tired and wanted to go to bed and lay down. He said something that felt like a kick.
“Mbak is Mommy. I want Mbak! I don’t love Mommy!”
I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me but it did. I refused to let the nanny took over and stood my ground. Meaning I proceeded upstairs with him despite his protests and told him “Even if you don’t love Mommy right now, Mommy loves you more than anyone else.”
He eventually said “I’m sorry, Mommy. I love you” and gave me the biggest hugs his body can master. It healed my heart instantly!
But it left me wondering, doubting…it brought me to tears.
Yes, I am not the perfect mother. For almost a year now since I’ve been back to the corporate world, I work long hours but secretly I am happy albeit the famous-working-mom-guilt’s! Being productive outside the house makes me feels good inside.
Yes, I am the strict mom. I put him on timeouts. I yelled – a little too much sometimes and I don’t let him get away with things as much as his spoiling grandmother does. Maybe in his eyes, I’m not a fun Mommy, I’m the stern Mommy. He has more fun when he’s with Daddy.
Yes, I am not those moms who packed him bento boxes snacks/lunch nor do I bake the perfect cute cupcakes but I do try to help him with his homework and read to him every day and we still have our bedtime ritual. Just us two.
But I still feel crappy inside…
These thoughts were chewing me inside. He loves having his Mommy home and even said “I want Mommy here when I wake up in the mornings” and by God, it feels so damn good to wake up with him in the mornings and have him threw his arms around me and cuddle closer. Going back to work would be hard for both of us.
The guilt transcended deeper than this silly jealousy of his Nanny. I realized I still blamed myself for ending my marriage and split the perfect little world as he knew it and in trying so hard to patch things up, to rebuild a life for ourselves I always felt like I fall short. That I am not good enough mother for him.
Until I saw my boy cuddling up to one of his uncles the other day…
It hits me that I may not be the perfect Mommy but this boy is surrounded by love. His uncles adore and love him tremendously. They give him the much needed roughhousing, the male bonding stuff. His grandparents love him to pieces – ok maybe grandma dotted on him too much – we’re still trying to strike a balance here. His Nanny loves him and takes good care of him. His father is in his life and loves him just as much.
I am his mother…with all my flawlessness. I am good enough mother who will fight for him and break my back to give him the good life that he deserves to have. It may not be the fancy life lane that we are both living on but we have enough. He doesn’t have to go to bed on an empty stomach and he has clothes on his back – it may not be the expensively branded stuff – but we are living enough. One day I hope he can look at his mommy and be proud of all the things she’s trying to do to be good enough and realized that we are good enough.