Grief

Grief is a strange thing…

And I’ve been grieving for the past 2 years.

Some days, I feel ok – as in I don’t feel the pain tugging tightly, leaving me suffocating – but some days, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself blind.

People say I need to be strong.

But I am exhausted from being strong all the time.

I don’t know how to be strong after losing both parents 2 years apart. It feels like a back-to-back blow to my heart. I was and still am grieving losing my father when my mother passed so suddenly.

I dived deep and kept myself busy with work, distractions from the brokenness I feel inside. It worked for a while, but I know I’m just pushing down my grieving shattered heart under the surface. I know it is not healthy, and I need to find a way to let go.

But how do you let go when there are so many unspoken things left behind?

My mother’s passing, just like my father’s, was fast and sudden. She passed away in her sleep.

A week leading up to her passing, I had this urge to go see her but work kept me busy, and I regret it to this day. I should have made time to follow my gut feelings. I promised her that I would come to see her on Saturday. Turned out, we laid her down to rest on Saturday. She passed away on Friday.

Guilt hangs heavily on my shoulder.

So many should’ve, could’ve floating around in my head.

My mother died from a broken heart…I’ve seen her lights dimmed ever since my father passed away on December 22, 2019. I still remember how much her own heart was broken.

They may look like one of those old couples who bickered all the time, but they love each other oh, so much. My mother’s loss of her life partner of over 40 years broke her spirit in a way, and she was never the same again.

Took them 614 days before they were reunited.

People say it’s good that both my parents passed away suddenly and did not suffer from a long illness. I know people mean well when they say this, but the pain is still the same. You are NEVER prepared to lose your loved ones, especially your parents, no matter how old you are.

Their sudden passing left huge gaping holes in all our hearts, and we are left to find our own ways of dealing with these grieves.

With the holidays coming up, my emotions are all over the place. This will be the first Christmas without my mother, the second one without my father.

Christmas will never ever be the same again, and my heart is aching.

Because my mother is the eldest, we always have families coming over. Aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. It’s always such a big deal for us. This year, I don’t even know how I’m going to navigate Christmas. I guess we will have to create new family traditions.

I’m just sad…and needed to pour my heart out on this space.

Take care, people. Love your family hard, especially your parents.