Grief is a strange thing…

And I’ve been grieving for the past 2 years.

Some days, I feel ok – as in I don’t feel the pain tugging tightly, leaving me suffocating – but some days, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself blind.

People say I need to be strong.

But I am exhausted from being strong all the time.

I don’t know how to be strong after losing both parents 2 years apart. It feels like a back-to-back blow to my heart. I was and still am grieving losing my father when my mother passed so suddenly.

I dived deep and kept myself busy with work, distractions from the brokenness I feel inside. It worked for a while, but I know I’m just pushing down my grieving shattered heart under the surface. I know it is not healthy, and I need to find a way to let go.

But how do you let go when there are so many unspoken things left behind?

My mother’s passing, just like my father’s, was fast and sudden. She passed away in her sleep.

A week leading up to her passing, I had this urge to go see her but work kept me busy, and I regret it to this day. I should have made time to follow my gut feelings. I promised her that I would come to see her on Saturday. Turned out, we laid her down to rest on Saturday. She passed away on Friday.

Guilt hangs heavily on my shoulder.

So many should’ve, could’ve floating around in my head.

My mother died from a broken heart…I’ve seen her lights dimmed ever since my father passed away on December 22, 2019. I still remember how much her own heart was broken.

They may look like one of those old couples who bickered all the time, but they love each other oh, so much. My mother’s loss of her life partner of over 40 years broke her spirit in a way, and she was never the same again.

Took them 614 days before they were reunited.

People say it’s good that both my parents passed away suddenly and did not suffer from a long illness. I know people mean well when they say this, but the pain is still the same. You are NEVER prepared to lose your loved ones, especially your parents, no matter how old you are.

Their sudden passing left huge gaping holes in all our hearts, and we are left to find our own ways of dealing with these grieves.

With the holidays coming up, my emotions are all over the place. This will be the first Christmas without my mother, the second one without my father.

Christmas will never ever be the same again, and my heart is aching.

Because my mother is the eldest, we always have families coming over. Aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. It’s always such a big deal for us. This year, I don’t even know how I’m going to navigate Christmas. I guess we will have to create new family traditions.

I’m just sad…and needed to pour my heart out on this space.

Take care, people. Love your family hard, especially your parents.

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1 thought on “Grief

  1. Saraswati Safitri Reply

    This poem I wrote in my blog and now I want to share with you Mb :

    Hilang Yang Tak Hilang
    Ketika yang dicinta sudah tak lagi di sisi
    Tak terlihat disekitar

    Sudah tak bisa lagi memandang
    Terlebih memeluk

    Perpisahan ini
    Untuk selamanya

    Menghukum diri

    Rasa sakit ini

    Pengalaman macam apa ini?
    Emosi yang begitu sulit dan tak terkira

    Membuatku tak bisa tidur, tak enak makan, tak bisa berpikir jernih

    Nafas terasa ikut terhenti

    Apa sebenarnya maksud dari kedukaan ini?
    Mengapa kita terlahir bila hanya untuk mati?

    Mengapa mencinta
    Bila nantinya semua sia sia


    Hingga akhirnya mencoba untuk belajar

    Mempelajari rupa asli kesedihan

    Sebuah taman yang indah
    Bernama kesadaran

    Sadar bahwa
    Kita semua lahir untuk mencari cinta dan bijaksana

    Biarkan terbuka
    Hati dan pikiran

    Buka dan buka
    Biarkan cahaya masuk

    Sinar terang dimana kita bisa

    Ada tempat disana
    Kita akan bertemu lagi

    Senyum tersungging
    Hati tertata
    Doa demi doa

    Memeluk hati

    Tidak ada yang benar – benar pergi

    Semoga bisa menenangkan..peluk erat Mb Oyen

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