“It’s normal, dude! She’s twenty….(fill in the dots).”
And that’s where I wish my face doesn’t turned green like those emoticon face on yahoo messenger. Every time a similar conversation came up, that’s the line you will hear a lot of Indonesian people throw out in the air when it comes to girls and marriage.
“So?” It frustrate me to the max.
“So, she wants to be married, bla bla bla, you know the drill!” my best friend would said it all and that pretty much sealed the believe that women will never be complete if she’s not married before the age of 30.
“Yeah, just hope she won’t marry a douche bag!”
Granted I got married way too young at 26 and divorced at 31 but it taught me a lot of stuff.
I’ve always been somewhat of a feminist and maybe it even got worst now that I’m a divorcee.
But seriously, Indonesian girls like many other girls in Asian countries are raised to believe that it is their noble life path to get married, become someone’s wife, bear children and raise them well. Circle of life!
Marriage life ain’t a walk in a park!
Yet the pressure still doesn’t change.
Heck, even I got the pressure now that I am a single mom. Being divorced for almost 3 years now, people started to asked “So, when will you get married again?”.
My favorite? “C’mon…don’t wait too long. You’re not young anymore!”
Really?!
How about this one? “You’re almost 35, very soon you will be too old to have more kids!”
Either I wanted to laugh at that or I want to vomit. Hard to tell but I know my skin has grown thicker throughout the years so usually I just walked away.
Do I want to get married again? Honestly, I’m not sure. I just haven’t met the man who can convince me why I should so until then I’m quite open about the possibility but I do not put a deadline on my status.
Do I want to have another baby? Maybe. If it happens, it will happen but I’d prefer to meet the father first, right? Not someone who will just impregnate me and leave me. That’s what the sperms bank are for!
Some people think I’m still stuck. Excuse me?
Stuck with what exactly?
Just because I am still single it doesn’t mean I’m still bitter towards Mr. X. He and I are on good terms now. We co-parent. We joked. We even swap nebulizer machine for our kids!
No…no…no!
Why is it so difficult for people around me to understand and accept that I just haven’t met the right man?
Am I being too picky? Maybe I am, but I had failed before and I don’t want to make the same mistakes so I learned from my past, my mistakes, those lessons. Let’s just say that I have a clearer picture of what kind of man I am looking for now. Thank you very much!
So what if I’m still single?
I am still hanging my dating shoes and it’s been awhile since I last went on a date. Guess what? I’m perfectly fine. It doesn’t make me feel weird going out with my couple friends. We still had fun, had a great time.
Seriously, people just need to take lots of chill pills when it comes to why I’m still single and trust me when I say: yes, I am single and yes I am happy.
Because this is Indonesia, this is Asia, where women MUST marry, bear children otherwise we, women, are not complete. Well, many would not understand your view, your thought, but why should you care?
Many would not understand women need muscle either, to them women with muscle are scary and work like a horse to survive (negative connotation here). Should we care?
I would say, you live they way you want, be the best of you and forget about making them understand what you think, waste of energy, better utilize it for your next sweat session 🙂
But I do understand the frustation of a repeating boring question, even when you pretend not to care, it is still irritating. Anyway, as long as you are happy, why should you care? You own your life, not anybody else.
And that is why I love my blog, Di. It’s cheaper than therapy and you can only vent so much to your friends. So this platform is my therapeutic ways of coping with my different ways of thinking and the cultural aspects of being an Indonesian. Of course I care to an extend because face it, if you keep hearing comments that is against your belief systems it will annoy you but then you learned to live with it. Understanding that it won’t completely go away. I’m learning to roll with the punches.
The women and muscles issues are not only in Indonesia, it’s global. How many women will say I want to toned up but not getting bulky? 😉
Thanks Di, appreciate your point of view and yeah I always use these negativeness to fuel up my sessions.
My mom is a single parent. My dad passed away when I was 2 and she has never remarried despite the family told her to do so and those men who were trying to get her heart. I am 31 now. So, woman can live without a man?! Definitely! He he he…
Your mom is a tough strong lady! Big kudos to her 🙂
What an intelligent and wise women my daughter has become and I’m so very proud that your journey has brought you to realize how much you have to offer.
Love you
Mom
Thank you Mom 🙂
Love you too!
Well, nobody asks that to me anymore because they are too tired I guess. But what’s the point of getting married again if I’m already happy with what I have? I don’t want to be trapped in a marriage routine. Besides, I feel comfortable sleeping in my bed with my dogs, I don’t want to share any of my part of the bed with anybody now.
Too comfortable of being single for more than 6 years now.
That’s awesome, Vita! So there is hope that people will eventually STOP, right? 😀
Exactly! What you said is so spot on. You wouldn’t want to get remarry just to make everyone else happy. They’re not the one who will have to live through it! You are an inspiration, seriously!
Wow Maureen! This is so deep and candid. I totally agree with you. Mexico as a society also puts a lot of pressure on women to get married early, before they are not desirable anymore. I was rolling completely against that and was starting fresh with a new job and a few days later I met my now husband. God’s plans are higher than ours and I know he will fulfill his purpose in you and your boy!
Thank you Ana for your kind words and for sharing your own experience.
I find it harder to ignore the comments when they are coming from close relatives. When they come from friends/acquaintance I can use my sarcasms to answer it but the elder generations sometimes just can’t accept that so I learned to shut my mouth and find an excuse to get out of the conversations lol.
Amen on God’s plans! Honestly, I’m pretty content with life as it is now. I am happy, my boy is happy.
Thank you for being so open! I’ve been married for 13 years and agree that marriage is the hardest relationship ever, and not one to enter into as the result of cultural pressures – after all, it is only two people in a marriage that have to live it each day, not the whole country! Stay strong and continue to be true to yourself.
Thank you Andrea. I had seen a lot of women suffers silently here because they got married just to please the family pressures. It’s sad really. Marriages between two people that love one another is hard enough so imagine if it’s based on pressure. So yes, I’d rather take my own sweet time, enjoying life. 🙂
I’m glad that you’re at this spot in your life. I hate it when people try to force you into something that you don’t want to do…not that they’re forcing you…just that they are making you feel uncomfortable. Don’t believe what they say. Do what you want to do and makes you happy.
My sister’s best friends are from the philipines…lord did I just butcher that typo…and they are in their late 20’s. They’re getting pressured to settle down. That’s not right.
Girl, I always count on spell check too to type Philippines believe me.
Thanks, Kim. It’s sometimes not easy being the different one out in my family but I guess that’s what makes my life so interesting. Partially because these clashes of ways of thinking. Hah!
You know what? In a way I understand the Asian part of what you are describing, but maybe you’re to ‘westernized’, which doesn’t imply that’s better… Love is a personal thing, and it should not be forced upon a person. If you’re OK, you’re OK. That’s the way I see it anyways…
I was married before and I divorced after 16 years of marriage, brought up my three sons by myself and I didn’t have any time for a relationship. Plus… I was not ready for one. That took me some years to ‘get settled’ after a few years of being a pain in the ass to others and myself?
Did that make me a bad person? NO. Did that make me a better person? I’m not sure. But I had fun and I would do it all over again.
No one is the ‘boss of you’…
It is a very personal thing so I agree with you. My own mother had to rebelled against her father when she was young because my grandpa didn’t like my father. The end results? They stick to it and have been together for 35 years now. Maybe I am a bit too westernized lol.
Love your no nonsense approach, Jan! Thanks for sharing your own life experience. 🙂
Hi Mo,
My ship was broken and swimming all the way seeking a land, and that’s how I landed on Scoops of Joy 😉 lol…
Well, if I say I can feel you, I’m lying 😀 I’ve never been through such a situation and I don’t need to. Glad I’m still a kiddo 😉
I live in Asia but I have never heard that girlies should marry and bear children just to be complete. Hold on… I heard that in some movies. How dumb? But I know a beautiful and happy married life is what everyone wishing for, especially girlies.
Of course, with the collectivism in Asian countries, parents and relatives team-up in such situations to find best for you, which is very buggy if you are not really ready. I feel you are lucky too, ’cause I have heard different stories that girls enforced to marry another right away.
One of my friend (About 10 yrs elder) lost her hubby and what’s her parents thought of that finding another man before she leaves what we call MARRIAGE-READY-AGE. But she never really wanted to and she had to yell at ’em to stop getting her marriage proposals and tell them that she’s not ready for it. I think though they have good intentions in their minds, they are the ones who need to understand most how sensitive such situations and decisions are.
Hope you find a best way to sort it out and wishin’ you best in finding Mr. Right 😉 (No am not team up with others around ya)
Cheers…
For many people, being married is their identity and it defines them. Therefore, they expect everyone else to do the same. It’s that way in many parts of America, too. But if you live in the big cities, it can be the opposite. In New York City, if you’re married before you’re 30 it’s like, “Wow, you got married young!” People here are in NYC to develop their careers so it’s “normal” to get married in your 30’s or even 40’s. You definitely don’t want to settle for the sake of saying you’re married. You’re smart to do what you know is best for YOU.
You have survived divorce, you take care of your son by yourself, you take care of yourself and have overcome a lot. I would say you are doing just fine. Even better than fine! Love will come. First things first.
Shush people, shush!
Good for you for standing your ground and not just getting re-married or jumping into just any relationship because others think you should. I think there is a lot of pressure around the world for women to marry before they’re “too old.” It is, in many countries, the thing that most hold up as a woman’s “true” and “best” station in life. So, as a result of this, and I’ve seen this in so many countries, girls get married too soon. They marry, more often than not, men who just happened to come along at a time when their families and they thought a marriage should happen. Marriages are hard work and should not be taken lightly!
Marriage is not all that anyway 🙂 What matters is that your son has love, security, family around him, and that you have friends, a support system and 34 going 35 is STILL YOUNG. I’m glad you are standing your ground. You are proof that there IS life after divorce. Go you!