Ladies, let’s take some time to talk about this phenomenon…about this mentality. Yes, it’s about the ugly truth of playing victim.
On Playing Victim
I get it, your heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. You are angry at everyone who is breathing – let alone those who point fingers at you – and you are furious with life. I totally understand that. I know the feeling all too well like a step-sister I wish I could bitch slap at times.
I have been in your shoes.
Angry, bitter, and feeling wronged on oh, so many levels.
I was there too several years back. It is totally normal to feel anger and resentment about something as devastating as divorce. What’s not healthy is holding on to that anger for far too long.
I felt anger simmer beneath my skin and would unleash those anger at anyone who crossed my path and dare to tell me to snap out of it. I felt like I could shout “F**k you, world! You f**ked up my life!” I have been there since my marriage ended nearly 7 years ago.
Bruised ego, broken dreams, and anger all wrapped into this one giant ugly monster who consumed my life daily. I would constantly berate my ex to those who are willing to hear me vent. I would hide those anger and feelings of being a victim like it was some wicked conspiracy theory that someone out there was determined to ruin my life. Yet, it was there, boiling silently and often would explode when the pressure gets too much. Not a pretty sight.
Breaking That “I am a Victim” Cycle
First off, the willingness to step out and look beyond our own pain takes courage! It is HARD!
It took all I got left in me to drag myself far away from the epicenter of all those unhealthy feelings when I realized how exhausting it really is to carry them around with me. When I realized “Damn woman, you got your own shares in the failing of your marriage! A marriage is between two people and you both f**ked it up!”
When I realized the anger and bitterness start to affect my son, my health, and my relationships post-divorce, and pretty much consumed my life, I knew something must be changed. I MUST deal with those tidal waves of anger and no longer kicked them under the bed like some dust balls. Because you know what? Those damn dust balls turned into one giant pile of dirt that cost me my health!
It took a journey deep into the core of my being to finally realize, hey I am NOT a victim! What happened was caused by poor choices he and I made, by my unconscious participation in creating something that was not healthy from the beginning. It wasn’t 100% his fault the marriage ended. I was a participant – willing or not – admitting my own mistakes and most importantly FORGIVE myself was a massive milestone.
“If I know better, I’d do better,” Maya Angelou says it best, ladies!
Having to face my own demons, and facing my own truth was difficult. It was the hardest part of my healing journey. Forgiving myself and conquering my own ego was key. Before the whole inner work took place, I thought I had forgiven him yet I still harbor seeds of anger and bitterness towards him. It wasn’t until I LET GO of the sad entitlement of “You wronged me! You f**king hurt me!” that I began to fully realize I will not fully move on with my life if I keep using those like a trump card.
By playing victim I avoided the crucial need to deal with whatever it is that life wants for me to learn even though the unbelievable pain of divorce. I stalled my own growth by sitting there feeling oh, so sorry for myself. By holding those grudges, my soul died a little each time I vented out to the world. Holding on to those feelings was toxic.
Now, whenever I started feeling sorry for myself and the challenges of life, I would think of those single mothers who have zero help from their ex-husbands. I would remember the struggles of single mothers who have children with special needs or illnesses. In doing so I allowed gratitude to flow from my heart because my ex and I are now in a great place, we both have come a long way from those early days. We are friends now. My son is healthy and happy. I have a people that truly loves me and support me. There are just plenty of things to be grateful for instead of focusing on the negative.
So darlings, please…STOP playing the victim! Stop entertaining your pain and sadness. It will take you nowhere.
9 thoughts on “On Playing Victim”
I know it can be hard to do sometimes. We all have our own pity party for whatever reason, but getting past it and moving on is the best thing you can do in the long run.
Anger, resentment and hate is such a vicious cycle. Things won’t always go our way and it can even be wicked but life goes on forward so even if it’s hard we have to find a way to move on.
This can apply to anything in life – the victim role. There is a son g by a Canadian band that I adore called “Barenaked Ladies” and it’s called “Baby Seat”. In it, the lyrics go “You can’t live your life in the baby seat. You’ve got to stand on your own, don’t admit defeat.” It’s such a great tune. I love it for those moments when I feel like I’m slipping into that woe is me mentality.
Great post friend.
This article is certainly helpful. I’m sure that there are more than a few people that this will hit home with and hopefully it can help them break that cycle!
I know playing victim can be the easiest way out of your trouble, but it does not give permanent solution. Like what you said, it takes more maturity and courage to get out of life’s pain.
I have had my share of heartbreak. It took a while before I got over it but that first step out of a tumultuous relationship is the day all good things come flooding in. Not worth it to sulk. The greatest revenge is for the other person to see you successful.
I think everyone plays the victim sometimes and it’s hard to break the cycle. These are some really great tips.
It’s really important to learn from everything. There is always a saturation point in a relationship, after that everything wrong happens. You can’t control the things. But, yeah you can learn from the things.
Each time we face big problem, take a look at the people who are worst than us. We will be more appreciative with what we have.