Solitude and Sensibility

Life has been great for me.

My son just started K2…he’s growing up so fast and still as sweet and as silly as ever. He will start Elementary school next year.

My job has been fantastic. I love every minutes of it. Being a work from home mom is just amazing. Plus working with the world’s best boss is making work well, doesn’t feel like work at all but more like something I love, something I’m passionate about.

My family is healthy and I couldn’t be more thankful for that considering the rough times we had last year.

My journey to get fit and healthy makes me happy. I never felt this good and stronger physically ever.

I surrounded myself with friends who I really love and are real. Within my small circle, I am safe with them and our friendships couldn’t be better. They’ve been there for me all along through the ups and downs.

I Am Happy…I Am Blessed

So why the sad tones of this post?

Is it because I just had my heart broken when I ended my first and only relationship post-divorce with Mystery Man? Maybe…

But let’s not talk about that. I closed that chapter and I thanked him from the bottom of my heart because he showed me that I still am capable to love and put faith back in a relationship. Even when it has to end.

As content as I am with how my life is going right now, there’s still a pang of loneliness that comes and kicks me hard. And no matter how much I tried to shut it down, to ignore it, to occupies my mind with something else it would only work for a little while before the loud sounds of loneliness start echoing in my busy life.

It took me weeks to gather enough courage to type this…

It’s no longer the pain of divorce. Actually, Mr. X and I had come a long way that we can crack friendly jokes to one another now without me wanting to punch him in the face. See, I did have come a long way.

It is the loneliness of going to bed alone every night…well, technically not alone since I share the bed with my son. Of rolling on my left side, my back facing my beautifully sleeping child and then the loneliness would come creeping in.

Being in bed alone isn’t something new for me. Even way before I left Mr. X, I’ve spent plenty of nights alone while he’s away on business trips or when he softly snores next to me. It’s like an old friend…an uninvited old friend who stops by and hangs out way too long.

It’s a feeling that I’ve been hiding from everyone.

Until a couple of days ago I finally confessed to my best friend that despite all the good things in my life now, despite how far along I’ve come to rebuild my life after the divorce, despite being surrounded by the people that I love the most…I am missing something.

I miss having someone that I can really pour my heart out to. To share my deepest thoughts, my worries – and I got plenty of them – my dreams, my hopes, my fears. To even share comforting easy silence. Someone to see me without my cape of one-tough-single-mama. Someone that understands me, someone who can see me for the woman I really am deep inside. Being strong all the time can be hard.

I miss having a hand to hold…a squeeze that sends assurance to my heart. Holding my son’s hand is wonderful but it’s different.

I miss laying my head on someone’s shoulder and rest my train of thoughts for a while.

I miss the comforting feelings of a hug that envelops me like a warm soft blanket that just shuts out the whole world. And that someone knows sometimes a hug is all you need.

I miss a lot of things about being with someone that truly loves you and you love too.

I am surrounded by so much love, I couldn’t be more thankful. Please don’t get me wrong…I am happy. Yes, I may have stumbled and fallen down in my journey of rebuilding my life but I am in a far better place than two years ago.

And now the floodgate is open again…

Allowing myself to admit this to the whole world isn’t easy. It makes me feel weak and make it looks like I’m looking for a pity party. But it’s not that. Maybe just writing it off of my chest and finding out that I’m not alone will help in some ways.

It’s about me allowing my heart to have enough guts to say…yes, I am lonely and yes, I want to be in a relationship again.

Until I can manage these twinge of loneliness, I am content with being alone. No hooking up or the likes will wash away these feelings. Only I can change this. Maybe just maybe the first step is to be able to admit that yes, I miss all those things above and it’s perfectly normal.

If you are divorced, have you ever feel lonely? How do you handle it?

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13 thoughts on “Solitude and Sensibility

  1. Mary Wallace Reply

    Maureen, Andi-Roo tweeted the link to your website and I enjoyed it very much. Be proud of your strength and wisdom and what you’ve accomplished. I know what it is to be happy and yet still feel a lack. Don’t feel weak for admitting this lack to the world. What you have done is very brave, Maureen. Just know that you have friends here, and around the world who open their heart and hands to you. Take one step at a time. I’m with you. We all are. I’ll come by and visit soon and you can visit me whenever you wish. Mary

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      Thank you for your kind comforting words, Mary. I know by admitting these feelings I put my heart out there for others to judge but somehow after I hit published I felt a whole lot better than before. Maybe it’s the validation of acknowledging these feelings that became therapeutic in a way. But thank you so very much and I am so surrounded with love even from those I have only ‘met’ online, like yourself. I will visit your blog too 🙂

  2. Nami Reply

    First of all, I have to say, is that your new profile pic – because you look GORGEOUS!

    As far as that companionship feeling, it is possible to feel that even with a sustaining relationship – or several. It’s up to you to connect. And connection is ominous. I can tell, something big is on the horizon for you.

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      Aww thanks Nami, that pic was taken last month. I’ve since cut my hair bob short lol.

      I understand and had my shares of being lonely even when I was with someone (that goes for the ex). I love how you put it…connection. Thank you girl, you are just drench in awesomeness and you know it!

  3. Alexandra Reply

    I want to tell you how special you are, but I know that won’t help much when life comes with its disappointments.

    You are a beautiful, bright, very special and authentic person.

    A very rare person.


    • Maureen Post authorReply

      Dear dear Alexandra, you are making me cry. Thank you so very much. Much love for you dear friend.

  4. Bicultural Mama Reply

    It takes a lot to admit what you’ve admitting and I think a lot of people will be able to relate. It’s hard to let a good person go, but if your gut and heart are not saying he’s the one long term, then you have to do what’s best for you (and ultimately for him, too). I hope the man who fulfills your dreams will come soon!

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      It was so hard to break it off, Maria. I had to do it 3 times and set my heart to stone but I know I have to do it for myself. He was a good person but it just didn’t work out. Thank you so much Maria. It was really hard to admit all those but I felt lighter after I hit published. You are such a sweet caring person. Thank you again.

  5. Jessica Reply

    My heart aches hearing that you are missing something, longing for something. I have never been divorced, but I always think it’s important when going through major life events to continue talking with those who are closest to you. Continue doing all the wonderful things you’re doing, give back to help others, and remain open to love your life as it is today. I hope this helps! xo.

    • Maureen Post authorReply

      Thank you Jessica 🙂 I’m fine it’s just something that comes once in awhile…that longing for another shoulder to lean on. Your encouraging words really help. Thank you dear friend. Hugs!

  6. Asianmommy Reply

    I can imagine how you feel. It will take time, but I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for some day.

  7. Aaron Ginyard Reply

    I’m going through a divorce right now. Although its painful, it has taught me a lot about me. All I can do is focus on me and my son. This article has helped a lot!

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