I was going to post a whole different post until I read the Huffington Post article Why Men Need To Cheat.
Reading it made me cringe, made me want to look away but I can’t. The words slapped me hard and I asked my best friend the inevitable question “Is there any hope left?”
After reading what Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester has to said after his studied 120 undergraduate men and found out 78% of them had cheated in the past. First of all, I’m no scientist or expert but really? Only 120 men and that are strong enough ‘evidence’ to make the headline that Men Need To Cheat? How many of these undergraduate men are married with children? Not much I bet.
Here’s what bothers me the most about the interview with Dr. Anderson:
Humans are largely lousy at controlling our bodies’ desires. We say we don’t want to eat that Snickers bar, but we also really do want to eat it. We eat it, we feel guilty about it, and afterwards we promise ourselves not to eat one again; but we nonetheless do. It is this same phenomenon, only with cheating, that I explore.
First of all comparing cheating to Snickers bar is beyond me! It’s called moral or self control? Conscience? Cheating requires a lot of strategically crafted plans unless of course it’s a one night stand. How different are we human than animals then if we can’t even control ourselves? Or it’s just too obvious that man’s primal instinct is to have sex with whoever they want to?
There are good reasons to lie; it is an essential skill for keeping community and relationship peace. The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have recreational sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to scrutiny and increased relationship policing; 3) they will be stigmatized as immoral, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty doesn’t meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and recreational sex with others.
Be a man and owned it. If you want to fool around all the time or can’t control the desires to have mind blowing wild sex somewhere else then leave or better yet do not get marry! Save the lie to other women, not to your spouse. It’s disgusting and what hurts the most is actually not so much as the affairs/cheating but the lying, the sneaking around, the double lives these guys acted, pretending to be the devoted husbands, the twisting of facts to clouds their spouse’s judgments so she seems to be hallucinating. The broken vows and commitment. That what hurts the most! Coming clean will make the spouse angry of course, its human nature. When everything that you thought you believe turned out to be filled with lies, it will hurt damn much! But once the panic, the anger subside we would want to know the truth and by coming clean the relationship may have a chance to be salvage. Let’s not even talk about the prospect of bringing some ‘gifts’ home after these sexual adventures? Hello STDs and HIV?! Infidelities hurts a whole damn much and even I still have to fights the demons of what infidelities caused me.
Rather than marrying 20 times or more in one’s life via serial monogamy, we can keep one emotional lover and just have casual, meaningless — and hot — sex with strangers. This gives us the long-term emotional stability we desire psychologically, alongside the hot, carnal sex we desire somatically. It makes much more sense than lying and cheating , or the difficulty of breaking up with a loved one simply because you want someone else’s body for an hour.
WOW. Here are some ideas…don’t get married ever and please please please do not procreate.
Very sad article that is trying to say we are no higher than animals. Even SOME animals are monogamous. Justifying cheating? Maybe, but I really think if you can’t stay committed then don’t fool yourself and your future spouse and safe the heartaches of divorce. Stay single and party till you drop, dude!
This article leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. I’m going to go gargle with some soap water now!
27 thoughts on “Why Men Need To Cheat – My Response”
This is beyond ridiculous! I guess basically men can’t control themselves and they are swinging their arms around like monkeys everywhere looking for the next female to mate with. I think this person just wrote this article to give himself an excuse to cheat. We all mess up in our relationships, but we own up to it, make amends, and try our best to do better. There are some things that are unacceptable and are deal breakers like abuse and cheating. I agree, if you cannot control your cheating behavior, then stay single. There is nothing wrong with being single and having sex with whoever you want, just make sure both parties know the rules.
Justifying the inability to control the basic urge of man to cheat is what crossed my mind to be honest. If they wish to be in an open relationship then by all means, go and find a girl who can accept that instead of ‘pretending’ to be monogamous when they can’t. Thanks for voicing your opinion on this.
I absolutely agree and have same opinion as AG, Maureen. The person is looking for excuse(s) to cheat, definitely. Trust me, there are still decent men out there!
So not surprised that a GUY did the “research.” I agree, making a huge general assumption on half of the human race based on 120 undergraduate men is not a representative sample. First of all, they’re in college, which means likely they aren’t ready to settle down, they don’t have kids yet, etc. Some guys actually do “settle down” willingly once they are older. Not all men cheat. The research almost gives a permission slip for men to cheat, saying that’s it’s natural and all that bulls**t. I agree with you, if someone doesn’t want one partner, then don’t get married!
College kids = party isn’t? It’s a different story if he conduct his study on a much older men especially those who had actually been in a monogamous relationship (married, etc.) and from variety of backgrounds. Exactly I love that permission slip! Hah, I may not be a doctor let alone a researcher but this study is not right. Thanks, Maria! Always appreciate your honest opinion on things 🙂
And he based all that on 120 male college students’ behaviors… It sounds to me like he’s looking for a way to justify his being a sleezeball…
Amen to that, Crystal!
It may be true among Undergraduate men, as they’re still young, experimenting, and not taking life seriously. That might be true among undergrad women as well. I do believe that a person’s character will determine if he is a cheater or not. I noticed there are people who changed a lot once they are settled, have a career and family.
That’s why I think this study is not correct and cannot be applied to all man. Yes, college students are mostly young and still love to party. There is nothing wrong with that, I was once young myself. To show this study as a valid way to justify that ALL MAN cheats are beyond me.
Honestly, I think a lot of these articles focus on those men who obviously don’t know how to keep their pants zipped. I’m not saying I’m an expert, but I know a LOT of husbands who are respectful, nurturing and faithful to their wives. I see them and feel bad that the tabloids, magazines and newspaper articles always write about the “bad lot” and group them all together. Men (and women) who cheat ALWAYS get what’s coming to them – I really believe that. Once you cheat, nobody – not even your closest friends – will ever trust you again. I tell my sons this all the time…just in case.
Heck, I’m no expert too but I really think trying to proof that ‘Hey, it’s human nature that man cannot be committed and will eventually cheat’ or ‘monogamy is BS forced upon us’ is unbelievable. Go read the vast majority of comments on that article. I think it was more interested reading the comments lol. You are doing good to your sons! 😀
hubby and i had this conversation once. we were watching an HBO thing about prostitutes and the hookers were saying they satisfy men where their wives can’t and that’s why men come to them. my hubby said “That’s BS. If a man cheats on his wife, it’s because he wants to not because she’s lacking. If I’d gotten married real young, I would have cheated too just for the experience of being with other women. Just to play the field”
Thankfully hubby waited until he was tired “of the field” to get involved with me, or maybe getting involved with me made him tired of the field.
Play the field…that might be the keyword to young college students. I think you both have a healthy relationship that’s all and there’s no need to look outside of your bond to fulfill whatever it is. That could be a factor.
Ok, this guy is a total moron. It’s no wonder they had to go across the Atlantic to actually get someone to write the garbage.
But the better point is this?!?! Why is it that it’s always that MEN that cheat? Why do we never hear all of the stories about how women cheat? I continue to ask the questions, exactly who are mea cheating with? I don’t prostitution has become so main stream.
I’ve heard well read stories of when the women cheats on a forum I once a member of when I was going through the shock of finding out about the cheating of Mr. X. Maybe Huffington Post should do a cover on the other side of the story? Since I never cheat I wouldn’t know how to answer your question but living here. I knew a woman who cheated on her husband because her husband had constantly cheated on her – sex addict style – and although I can understand why I didn’t agree with the path she chose. Luckily they are now trying to work on their marriage. Seeing so many expats (mix marriages between Caucasian + Asian) fell for the local girls who are mostly just looking for meal tickets, I do questioned a lot of the moral of women here. Especially those who keep hunting down married menknowing fully well they are still married but that’s another story that I had blog about: http://www.tatterscoops.com/why-marriages-failed-in-indonesia/
Thanks Kyle. I love your response to this ‘study’.
I came away from reading this article with the impression that Eric Anderson sees sex as the number one motivator for men to seek relationships, casual or otherwise. I’m offended by this author’s insinuation that men are nothing more than beasts on the prowl for propagation.
Wow. Found this on Twitter. I was already to go off when I saw the article title until I read it. THANK you so much for showing that there are some real, men out there. I could not agree with you more. It is like giving a free pass to a selfish addiction. You can rationalize just about anything if you want. Morals and values are lacking today and I applaud you for speaking out on this topic.
Glad to hear that I wasn’t the only one who thinks this study was a bunch of BS. I agree with the morals and values are lacking these days. Thanks for visiting and sharing your thoughts Dawn.
I don’t think men are programmed to cheat. I think it’s a cultural myth that many fulfill based on expectations. Maybe I’m one of the ones with the blindfold, but I’ve never been cheated on (not in a serious relationship) and men have always been pretty honest with me. When it’s time to move on, move on, that’s what I say.
I admire the honesty and isn’t that what a healthy relationship suppose to have? But I really think as hard as it sounds – or maybe I’m just dreaming – I would rather have the next guy I’m seeing to come up to me and say “You know, I’m so sorry but this is not going to work out…” instead of him ‘pretending’ not wanting to hurt me and justifying his cheating. That’s great you’ve been with awesome honest men 😀
I agree with the other commenters who pointed out that it’s a guy interviewing college men (is there a more irresponsible age group than men aged 18-22?) and drawing “scientific” conclusions from that population. I’m no scientist but I think it’s reasonable to suggest that this experiment is far from scientific. Men are not “programmed” to cheat–or if they are, it’s in the same way we are “programmed” to love sugar because eons ago, sugar was scarce and our tastebuds evolved to appreciate the taste. That doesn’t mean we have to cram the Snickers into our mouths. Hell, as a species we used to gather nuts and berries, too, but that doesn’t mean the population of Manhattan is roaming through Central Park looking for raspberries, does it? People EVOLVE. Or they should. If they don’t they end up sort of like Hugh Hefner, and that’s kind of scary. Plus seriously, old men in silk pajamas? *shudder*
I feel the same way too, Deborah about the participants of this so called study. Oh how I love your Snickers use on this one! Brilliant and so true. Yes, we should all evolve to be a better human being and it’s sad to see so many people are lacking morals these days it’s pretty scary. Oh and Hugh Hefner? OMG Ewww!
Thanks for stopping by and I appreciate your take on this 🙂
The only thing to learn from that article, is that the person who did the research is probable a male (cheater).
You said it all!
Hahaha who knows…he seems pretty passionate to defend the needs of men to cheat. Thanks Mirjam!
Total justification. Ridiculous and sickening justification.
PS Hope you are well in 2012! 🙂
Wow. I’m glad that others pointed the sampling bias – want to find a population of individuals who cheat? Young college guys are probably your best bet! That “research” is a joke and can’t be applied to the population in general. I also find this, and so many pieces on a similar vein, extremely sexist. This focus on men’s needs and men’s urges, with a complete lack of consideration for women – who also have needs and urges, upsets my stomach. Women can, and should, enjoy sex just as much as men do, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to cheat on our partners.
There is interesting research, not “research” like this, that seems to show an actual neurological difference between serial cheaters and those who remain faithful. I don’t think this should be an excuse, but it somewhat explains the issues that some people, who truly desire to remain faithful, have. I don’t think these people should enter into monogamous relationships if they can’t hold up their end of the bargain, of course.